February 3, 2021 my world crashed as Phil was taken away in an ambo. Last I saw of him they were pounding on his chest. 6 weeks later I find myself with a blessing of having my husband begin to awaken from his coma. I sit and question myself tonight, do I have the strength to hold it all together. 

I have no real friends, I have enjoyed my introverted life with Phil by my side to reach out to the world for me. People kind of scare me and annoy me, I really don't trust them. I find the world to be out for themselves and you always have to keep that guard up. Now I am forced to deal with them, with my husband's life hanging in the palm of my hand. I can't let him down. The pressure to succeed is not by gaining money and wealth but to keep him alive and recovering. My failure to notice something, could result in his loss of life. Am I giving all the info need to the doctors? Is he in pain? am I making the best medical choices available to him?  Then we have life , this bill is due, why do I have to fight banks to get our money, insurance claims, hospital bills, credit cards, omgosh cat needs to get to vet, roof is leaking, and did I take my blood pressure pills today, hell, did I eat? But Phil had a good day. On new meds for those jerks, was calmer, and smiled a couple of times. oh what a smile that just lights up the room, I wonder if he will remember me. Will he remember our 30 plus years together. sighs, stop it Sandra, we have to live for today I tell myself over and over, be thankful for the day God has given us and do not be anxious over the future. I keep telling myself, I am strong, I can do this, maybe if I say it enough I will start to believe it when I just want to run to my bed and hide away and cry and feel sorry for myself. I really have no choice but to be strong. This man has carried me for years, helped me deal with cancer and been strong for me, I now have to find the courage to be strong for him. Would be so much easier if it was me laying in that bed and not him. I love you so much Phil, I can do this, and I hope you will not be disappointed in me. For the first time, I am alone, all decisions are now mine and a long road is in front of me and you. May God bless us and give us strength.